TRUST, FAITH, LETTING GO…

And everything else that’s hard to do. Can’t share much now but the whole month of August has been one of the craziest month in my life. First the death of my Uncle, then another death of someone in Penang, and then the death of my wife’s best friends dad and above all, my wife and I have been going through some really, really trying times of the highest level of uncertainty and anxiousness. Someone just made a statement just the other week, “Why you seem so moody recently?”, and that is exactly how the toil of my anxiousness has taken on me.

There are days I feel my hearth crushing in, days where I feel so frustrated that I imagine a knife through my head (I AM NOT SUICIDAL. IT’S JUST AN EXPRESSION OF HOW FRUSTRATING THINGS CAN GET… sometimes) and days where I stare blankly after hearing news not knowing what else to do. The funny thing is this was something we prayed for but the uneasy ride was something that I was never prepared to endure. To me, it was like, “Oh great! God answered our prayers!!! Hallelujah!!! The end.” But lo and behold, it didn’t just end there, a greater sense of uncertainty enveloped my heart with the current “don’t know what to expect” stage.

I am a guy who lives on certainties in live. I plan and ensure strict execution for everything from both small things (time to make it to church on time) and big things (the birth of our baby, who do what, who take care, when, etc) and I try my very best to ensure that I have all my basses covered. I hate it when my plans don’t work out due to some “extraneous variables” and I hate it even more when I am put in a spot where I am helpless to do anything to improve the situation. It drives me crazy. And that’s exactly the situation where I am in. It doesn’t help that apart from this ordeal I have to go through, there’s a 3^rd variable (our baby) to make the whole equation a lot more exciting. So you see… while I am caught up in the ordeal to handle, I have to also handle the baby at the same time. I cannot emphasize how crazy my life is now.

To elaborate further, yesterday (Sunday) when my wife decided to still proceed to go to church despite some not very good news in the morning, I couldn’t help but to feel worked up. To me it was like taking a really unnecessary risk just to go to church. I felt very strongly that we should stay at home and rest but she insisted on going to church. At that point of time, there was no logic in the decision that was made. Considering the unknown number of risks (accident, walking too much, standing and sitting during the service, bumping into people, additional effort taken to get ready for both her and the baby, walking all the way down and up a 3 storey flight of stairs, plus her having to go back to work the next day… etc) it would be a really bad decision to make at a time like this. We could have all stayed in, there would be significantly a lot less movement and effort and risk. To me staying at home ensured better certainty – going to church increases uncertainty and I don’t like that (based on my personal assessment).

However, something struck me at church that Sunday. The first worship song on that day was “It Is Well With My Soul”. For those unfamiliar with the history of the song, the song was written by Horatio Spafford AFTER undergoing tragedies after tragedies in his life between 1970 – 1973. In the span of 3 years, he lost his only son to scarlet fever, lost all his investments he made in property due to a fire and lost his 3 daughters in a shipwreck. You can read about it more here. The amount of grief that he had to endure during those 3 years and the years thereafter would have been massive. How can anyone go through those periods and yet be sane? And yet, through his ordeals, he wrote “It is well with my soul, It is well with my soul”.

The verses of the song really struck me that morning. Isn’t my God the almighty God who has seen me through the years? Isn’t my God a God who has great plans for me… plans to prosper and not to harm me… plans to give me a hope for the future? Isn’t my God a God of miracles? Isn’t my God the God who created the universe? Isn’t my God big enough? Why then does my soul continue to lay in absolute anxiousness and disregard to the almighty God I believe in? Why then do I strive to make the future I think is best instead of leaving it in the hand of my almighty God? Why then does my action reflects a lack in trust in someone bigger and mightier?

It was a lot easier when God hadn’t answered our prayer. At that point of time is was praying for something so if nothing happens, status quo. But now that God has answered, if God does not continue to see us through, it’ll be an impact back to nothing. That would really sucks.

The journey is not easy. Letting go and letting God work his way in us right now is really tough. To just lay back and submit everything to God with the events that are following is like driving screws into yourself to screw yourself on the chair so you not move and to entrust everything to God to work out what is best for us. There’s not going to be two ways about it. Like a painter painting a masterpiece, I cannot simply pick up a brush, dab in into my favorite color and try completing the painting only to mess everything up. I have to completely surrender everything into the painter’s hand and to trust him in what he does. Tough like hell. But results are ensured heavenly.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

BEING CONTENTED

The line between greed and achieving your dreams is a very fine one. One would argue, that to be successful in your life, to live a comfortable life, to own a nice house, a nice car, to be able to go for holidays are merely achieving your dreams. But I believe that many of these so call “dreams” become greed while we continuously justify the fact that we are merely still chasing our “dreams”.

“Dreams” like the above sounds as genuine and as innocent as “just chasing my dreams”, but what we do not realize is that we always fail to define the “what”. What do we mean by a successful life? What does it mean to live a comfortable life? What kind of nice house/car? What holidays?

My parents who were both Maktab Perguruan lecturers didn’t earn much but I always considered them successful, we had a comfortable life, a house and a car to go about and local holidays where we enjoyed ourselves. Never did I feel that we were lacking of anything. By God’s grace and providence, they’ve manage to put all 3 of us through private college and me to a year overseas.

The reason I’m writing this post is because in the past years, I have come to the realization that being contented is something that I’m finding harder and harder to do. There seems to be more and more material things that I want. What I currently have doesn’t seem to be enough.

A brief background of where I am today. I am of course 28 years old young. In the span of 5 years, I have managed to climb the corporate ladder to be a Manager at the age of 27 at a local bank. I earn a comfortable salary.  I got married and bought a house together with my wife at 24 without any financial backing from our parents (it was our wedding and house and we didn’t think it would be fair to burden them further after all they have given to us). I am a father of a beautiful daughter when I was 26 and we sustain our lifestyle all by ourselves. No extra pocket money apart from what we earn.

It all seems like the perfect life to have. What more can I ask for? I should be contented with what I have. My dreams have definitely been achieved. But no, I have found myself to be yearning for more. Nicer car, a bigger house and more salary. As simple and as innocent as these new “dreams”/thoughts that I have, I have to remind myself over and over again about being contented. There’s no end to “dreams” and we can definitely see people around us who are super duper rich but yet there’s no sense of contentment. Their accumulated wealth could possibly sustain a couple more of generations but the quest for more never just ends. And that scares me. Deep deep down, I know, I have to learn to be contented, to stop comparing myself to people who are more successful that fills my heart with a sense jealousy and the raging question of “Why am I not him/her?”, “When would I be there?”, “How can I earn like him/her”.

What I AM NOT SAYING:

1.       That we should stop dreaming.

2.       That we should not hope for a better life.

3.       That we should live with what we have now and be happy – end of story.

4.       Stop working hard/earning your high salary/throw away all your luxuries

What I AM SAYING:

1.       Evaluate our dreams and draw a line between greed and being contented.

2.       Yearn for a better life but quantify what a better life would mean. A savings of RMxxx, a house worth RMxxx etc. Be realistic. There’s only 1 Bill Gates.

3.       Definitely learn to be happy with what you have today, work for more should you have perform item (1) and (2), but stop comparing your value with others, it’s your dream, not theirs. Don’t dream to be like that someone. You’ll never be happy when you’re him/her.

4.       Work hard, but understand your priorities. There’s nothing wrong with wealth but there’s more to life than wealth.

5.       Stop shifting the goal post – what many people do when they achieve their dreams is to dream of more. Theirs is no end to it.

People always say, it’s not accurate to compare how your parents brought up 3 kids (all the way to private colleges) and your current situation – you know inflation. You definitely need to earn more. But my response is this. Apart from inflation rate (which I agree forces us to earn more to sustain our basic necessities), there’s a deeper underlying to reason for earning more. My parents only bought a van after my 3^rd brother was born (plus my grandmother lived with us) (so before the van, 5 ppl travelled in a car), but today, with only 1 kid and no parents living with us, I am looking for a MPV. My parents lived in a single story house with 5 people in it. Today, I am looking for a 2-3 storey house (again with only 1 daughter and a wife) with a buildup of 2,500 sq ft. KFC/McD/Pizza Hut was a luxury then. Today it’s a norm. Please tell me now that I need to earn more because of inflation.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying we should live like how our parents lived. The reason I’m bringing up the comparison is to illustrate how a lot of us are already living a better life and a more comfortable life. We need to learn to be contented with what we have. The ambition/dream for more would never end if we continually move the goal post to achieve more and more. Life is never a one way highway to monetary rewards. Life is a multi level highway each leading to the many facets of happiness. Enjoy the journey on each of the levels and with the limited time we have, choose wisely which road you spent more time in.

Credits: This is one lesson I am very thankful to my parents for teaching me – Contentment. When my friends were in FILA and NIKE, I was in Cheetah and still happy about it. When my friends held the magnificent Nokia 3310 (then), I was happy not having one and happy to borrow from them to just to play snakes. When my friends had Play Station in their houses, it never bothered me that we never had one. When my friends were in fancy shirts at a dinner, I was in an old presentable shirt (because my parents confiscated the expensive nice shirt I bought behind their back and lied to them about the price), I was still contented at the end of the night. When my friends lived in fanciful big bungalow houses, it never bothered me to have them over at my terrace link house worth only a fraction of theirs. It didn’t bother me that I drove my parents Nissan Sunny around nor the fact that I never had luxuries in my child hood. Every piece o clothing was carefully decided upon, nothing was bought that was unnecessary.  These are some of the reminders that I need to continuously remind myself of, to stop myself from tipping over to greed and forgetting everything that is precious beside me.

SAYING GOODBYE TO U.K.

Death was always an easy process for me right until last Wednesday when my Uncle K. (U.K.) passed on. Before this, my grandmother and grandfather (from both side) pass on but I didn’t really feel much, probably I was still young. Another grand uncle passed on and that too didn’t move much emotion in me. But when U.K. passed away on Thursday, I was overwhelmed by a huge sense of sadness. Not only that, it then struck me at that point of time that one by one, as our family continue to age with no one having found the elixir of life yet, that one by one they would all pass on, one by one, they would all fall like bowling pins and one day of course, it will be my turn. The passing of U.K. is only the beginning. Death would come knocking very soon again and sadness would grip us over and over again. But death is not all there is nor should we just wait for death to knock on our doors, it put a lot of perspective back into my life, into appreciating the loved ones around and making time to connect and treasure each and every family member. Life is truly short.

What happened was on Wednesday, he was rushed to Sunway Hospital at about 4pm. He had undergone a surgery to remove his cancer infected areas about a month ago. On Wednesday morning, the Dr. was happy with his state of recovery. On Wednesday afternoon, the story was while in the toilet, he pushed too hard and ruptured his wound which then caused him to bloat in the stomach area. I receive a call from my aunty (A.T.) at 7pm asking for my mother (she’s been trying to call my mother but to no avail). I knew at that moment something serious must have happened for her to urgently look for my mum (My mum was helping her take care of U.K.). Told my mum and brothers to keep me updated.

On that night, we (my wife and I) proceed with our initial plan of dinner and movie at 9pm. At 8:55pm, right when we entered the cinema to sit down, I got a msg from my brother telling me to come to the hospital as U.K. was in ICU and they were expecting the worse. At that point of time, I couldn’t make up what worse meant. I mean sure the worse is death but how often really that death would really happen. People tell you expect the worse but somehow things always get better and to me, things always get better. A friend was warded in ICU a long time ago and he got better. People come in and out of ICU and I thought at that point of time that it can’t be that serious. I saw him after the operation and he was doing great. The feeling of “things will get better” of course was mix together with a sense of worry and a lost of words to describe a mixture of sadness and the unknown gravity of the condition.

When my wife and I arrived in the ICU, A.T (the wife) was there together with her son and I knew at once that things were really serious. I was told U.K.’s blood pressure dip really low and they nearly lost him. The anesthesian came by the waiting room to tell us that U.K. was in a very difficult condition. They have pumped all the drugs available at the maximum level just to bring his BP up and was now hovering at 60/50 now. He added that there’s a huge chance U.K. would not make it once they put him on anesthesia. My heart dropped. This really cannot be happening.

They proceeded with the operation and praying against all odds, U.K. made it out successfully. The verdict at the end of the day was the operation was successful, they’ve manage to seal back the rupture and seal everything back properly. However, the next 48 hours would be crucial for him to fight the bacterias that has invaded his body from the ruptured intestine. I pretty much took the “successful operation” part and paid no attention to the “next 48 hours would be critical”. After waiting a while more, we left the hospital thinking that the worst is over. Things always get better. Reached home past midnight and decided to go in late for work the next day.

I woke up to get ready for work the next day at about 7:45pm. Right after bathing and when I was about to get dressed, I got a sms from my mum at 8:00am – “Very difficult for U.K. to pull thru. BP 27/19”. I immediately went back to the bathroom to call my mum just to confirm. Walked out of the bathroom and all I could do was to show my wife the msg while tears stream down my eyes. I couldn’t bring myself to explain to my wife what was happening. I quickly got dressed and rushed to the hospital. Midway driving, I got another sms – “U.K. just passed away”. Needless to say, sadness gripped me and tears continually stream down. I couldn’t understand how just 12 hours ago, things were getter better and now this.  

Arrived at the hospital and there U.K. was, lying peacefully on the bed without a care in the world. A sense of peace filled the room amidst the sadness. Everybody knew, he went peacefully. Tears obviously fell from the family members that were there, knowing what a great kind person was lost today.

The next few days was pretty flat until the day of the funeral. Walking towards his casket and whispering under my breath “Goodbye U.K.” was really tough to do without trying to release a tear. It was really tough saying my last goodbye and I can imagine how much more difficult it must have been for A.T. and family.

U.K. was definitely loud at times, passionately talking about things he felt strongly about – politics especially. Phrases of him saying, “This is so ridiculous”, “How can they do things like that ha”, “Wah, you change jobs, means got more money” still rings in my head. Through the deep manly voice of his was a soft, kind and humble heart that we never really knew much about. He got an award from the Sultan for some charity that I know nothing about. He was never proud of his awards or wealth but always remain quiet about his achievements. Never did he coveted for more wealth and so willingly gave to my mother (his sister) the shares that belong to my grandparents (after they passed on) just so to help them with their finances of having to pay for our college fees. Toothpicks were a must after a meal and food was always his downfall just like any mighty Yong. U.K. and A.T. were the first people to introduce me to a Japanese buffet when I first came to KL to study which ended up with me vomiting it all out the moment I got home after I totally overloaded myself with Unagis (just like the kampong boy I was – this one good… eat everything). Some of the other good times were times when U.K. had a little too much to drink. He becomes even louder, talking about everything and anything in sometimes random order. But what I love about those times was to watch him in his true self – a person who truly enjoyed life, who never really worried about life and the simple humble man he was.

Thursday could have been a much sadder day should I have decided not to visit U.K. in hospital after his operation. I was a bit hesitant at first cause U.K. and never really had one-on-one time and almost all the time I was with U.K., my mother would be around. Told my wife, “I don’t really know what to talk to him”. Nevertheless, with my wife pushing me to go and visit, we went to Assunta only to find out later he did his operation in Sunway Medical this time around. Somehow or other, I became gung-ho to go to Sunway Medical anyways despite us being late for our cell group. He was just about to fall asleep when we entered the room but U.K. being U.K. woke himself up and chatted with us for the next 30 minutes or so in the dimness of his room (we decline to on back the lights as he was going to bed). It was a moment to be treasured there where we chatted about the operation, what went wrong in Assunta, his recuperation plan etc. That was my last conversation with my uncle.

The phrase that “Life is short, treasure every moment” never really meant much to me until Thursday. Life is really short, treasure your loved ones around and work is not everything. Put work aside, take some time off work and use that time to visit your family members who are in hospital, take the time to accompany your loved ones to the hospital should they so require, make it for dinner on time with your family… you never know when it’ll be the last time for you to see them or for them to see you. Life is truly truly short. Make every moment count.