It all began 2 weeks ago, when I successfully put Athalie to sleep at night all by myself.
A little background first, for the past 17 months, I have never been able to put Athalie to sleep as she would always want mummy to put her to sleep. Furthermore, it’s her habit to be breastfed to fall asleep. So Daddy came into play only when she refuses to sleep and Daddy would come in and Mummy would go out and Athalie would start crying… Mummy would come back in and try again… and after a couple of times (the going out and coming in), she would give in and fall asleep. So previously, whenever Mummy was not around during the weekend and I got to put her to sleep in the afternoon, it was such a wonderful feeling.
2 weeks ago, either by chance or Mummy’s brilliant idea, Mummy told Athalie, “Mummy’s going to eat something downstairs” which she wanted to and came back a lot later… Athalie then was ok with it, just couple of “Mummy. Mummy” but every time I told her that Mummy was downstairs, she would go back to what she was doing (either putting her bears to sleep, crawling around the bed, crawling in and out of her cot).
The only way I have been putting her to sleep (during the afternoons when Mummy is not around) is by carrying her and putting her on my shoulder and this was exactly what I did. After a few rounds of walking around the room with her on my shoulder and singing her songs, tapping her a little bit, she fell asleep. OH SUCH JOY TO CARRY MY LITTLE GIRL ON MY SHOULDER. QUIET. PEACEFUL. JUST A MOMENT OF PURE LOVE BETWEEN A DAUGHTER AND A FATHER. NO WORDS NEED TO BE SPOKEN. JUST THE WARMTH IN EACH OTHERS EMBRACE.
And then…. The nightmare begun…!
Naturally, once I thought she was asleep (eyes closed, body in a relaxed position), I would gently put her down on her pillow. “Waaaa!!! Pao Pao!! Pao Pao!!” Ok... maybe she wasn’t really asleep yet… carry her up back to my shoulder and walk around the room for another couple of minutes. Put her gently down again on her pillow. “Waaaa!!! Pao Pao!! Pao Pao!!”Ok……………… this is strange… carry her up back to my shoulder and walk around the room for another couple of minutes. This time I made sure I carried her longer than the previous time just to be sure. I am dead sure she’s asleep now. Gently put her down in her pillow again…. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. “Waaaa!!! Pao Pao!! Pao Pao!!” “Ahhh!!! What is going on?!?!?!?!?! Athalie does not want to let go of me!!!!!! THIS CANNOT BE!!!! I WANT TO GO OUT TO WATCH MY TV!!!!”
Just in case I never mentioned this, I am an avid problem solver. Any problem that is thrown at me, I’ll definitely think of a solution out of it.
“OK fine… if she’s not letting go of me… I’m bringing her out to watch TV with her sleeping on my shoulder.” So off I walk outside to my hall, with her still sleeping on my head, off as many lights as possible, turn the volume down to bare minimal and half lie down on the couch with her on top of me. “Ahhh… perfect”.
And then my wife comes back up, sees Athalie with me outside and says… “Eh… got mosquito outside la… Bring her back inside la...” In my heart, I nearly burst out crying… “I’ve spend a good 30 minutes walking around in near darkness with a 10kg baby on my shoulder WHO DOESN’T WANT TO LET ME PUT HER DOWN and I have to bring her back inside?”
Problem Solver. Problem Solver. Problem Solver.
So off I bring Athalie back inside, but this time, I stack up the pillows and bosters behind me so I am able to sat least sit down while carrying her on my shoulder. Every couple of minutes, I remove one piece of the pillow/boster. One piece by one piece until Athalie is almost lying on her pillow. Then with the gentlest of movements, I slowly tilt her towards her pillow. “Wait for it… wait for it… wait for it…. Nothing… Quiet….” Wala!!! Finally! Just too tired to say anything else.
She would probably sleep well for another hour or 2 hours if we’re lucky and would cry again in which the process kinda repeats itself except it’s much shorter now.
And now that I can put her to sleep, we repeat the same process every night and the joy of putting her to sleep is slowly turning into frustrations especially now with her being in her rebellion stage where everything is “No!” “No!” “No!” and it seems to take longer and longer to even get her on my shoulder to sleep especially last night when she keep wanting to take things from around the room, not wanting to sleep and I totally lost my cool and gave her the cold shoulder, scolded her a few times, probably slam her milk bottle down on the cupboard, scold again, told her a few times “You do what you want la, Daddy is going to sleep” and finally realizing that she’s lost the love for Daddy, she went into tears and started calling out, “Mummy…! Mummy…! Mummy…! Mummy…! Mummy…! Mummy…!” In the end, I had to call it quits being overloadly frustrated myself at that point of time. Of course Mummy always works her magic and puts her to sleep.
It just felt like the weeks of spending so much time with her, almost getting her full affection and attention was lost within the minutes of my frustration and impatience. It’s just crazy to be walking around a semi-dark room with a 10kg baby who prefers only 1 side of your shoulder and then refuses to be put down. Feels like you’re suffering from “Seasonal Affective Disorder” or “Winter Blues” with the lack of light and a fractured shoulder.
Of course Mummy has been doing this for the past 17 months and I am totally amazed at the super powers God gives mothers. I’ve been doing this for less than a month and I feel like I can drop dead anytime.
Again I guess, Daddyhood is a journey of sweetness, joy and sometimes frustration. I just hope that to keep thinking of the joys there is even thru this times of frustrations.
Everyday of my life, I am ever more thankful for the sacrifices my wife has made and am more and more amaze at how she has coped with it all. I love you dear…. And you too Athalie.
I never understood what unconditional love meant until 17 months ago. Loving unconditionally even though your mind is clouded with frustration.
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