A CRAZY YEAR THIS IS

To describe this year (which has not end) as crazy is a gross understatement. How everything decided to happen this year, that we have no explanation except to say that the stars and the moons decided that this year, our fate was predestined to continually have one big event after another right until the end of the year. So from the start of the year till the end of the year, we barely have any breather.

1.       Purchasing a new house / Selling of our existing house – Jan to Mar ‘13

From the start of the year, we decided that it was the right time to purchase a new place after staying in our current place for 5 years. With the steep increase in property prices for the past 5 years and the looming General Election 13 that has slowed down the market, we decided that this was the perfect time to sell our current place and purchase a new place. So the first quarter of the year was spent hunting for an affordable and relatively convenient place to buy. Weekdays were spent shortlisting houses online and making appointments with agents. Weekends were spent  visiting those houses. Finally in March ’13, we manage to find somewhere where we both liked and at the same time we manage to sell our place off.

2.       The birth of Evan – Apr ‘13

Once the purchase of the house was done, we were busy again preparing the arrival of our 2^nd child – Evan. Clothes need to be bought, car seat, cot etc needed to be prepared and we had to prepare ourselves and our daughter emotionally for the addition to our family. Evan of course came strong and healthy in Apr ’13 and so came the crying, wailing and not to mention the urine infection that he had to be infected approximately 2 weeks after his birth with which had us going to the doctor multiple times to have it cured. It wasn’t easy the first couple of week with his infection and to add “excitement” to it all, we discovered that his tongue was held back by that piece of “muscle” under your tongue that holds your tongue – that muscle was holding his tongue too back which caused him to have difficulty in breadstfeeding. Something that we could only have it corrected after his infection cleared. So through the early weeks until we did the minor op on that “muscle”, he cried much and had difficulty suckling which means, a crazy time for both daddy and mummy.

3.        Renovation – Aug to Oct ‘13

Once we got our keys (or before that), we had to look into renovating our place. Figuring out what our budget was, securing a contractor, drawing out plans, getting approvals, hunting for materials (tiles, lights, etc) and all of this had to be done with us bringing along our 2 kids to showrooms, expos, factories & shops. This was the most stressful time in my life. My lunches were now spent flying off to potential shops (be it for bathroom items, tiles, lights) to check out if the items and price were right first because we didn’t have the liberty to do that during the weekend with the kids. Then when the weekend came, I would bring the family to the places where I have identified as being good enough to look to purchase the necessary items. My role was to scout. Then when the renovation commenced, my lunches were spent flying through MEX highway  to our new place to check on the contractors (if F1 was ever held on MEX, I’ll definitely be one of the top three winners). A lot of times, I had to purchase additional materials till it came a point where I was afraid to see the contractors for fearing to hear “Boss, ini cat kena beli lagi”, “Boss, ini tile tak cukup”, “Boss, downlight kena beli 5 biji lagi”, “Boss, switches short”. Everytime I hear one of those sentences, that means I have to find the time to go buy the items and mind you, most hardware shops close by 6pm. The only chance I have of purchasing it was to fly during lunch after visiting the house hoping and crossing my fingers I get back to office before my lunch hour ends. I’m glad now that the renovation is coming to an end.

4.           Friend’s Wedding in Bali – Sept ‘13

To add more excitement during our crazy time, a close friend decided to get married in September ’13 in Bali. I definitely wanted to be there for her special occasion and I guess it was a good time for our family holiday as well. So with a 6 months old son, a 3 year old daughter & a beautiful wife, we had to make the necessary arrangements for the trip from booking our flights, hotel, driver, planning places to visit and not to forget ensuring that the contractors had everything they need while we were away. Planning was crazy but the trip was worth every penny we spent and stress we endured planning.

5.          Brother In-Laws Wedding – Oct ‘13

Like I said earlier, the stars and moon must be aligned to give us maximum light this year as my brother-in-law decided to have his wedding this year. Although there’s not much help that we were required to assist, it still required our time to alter my coat, my wife to get a dress, some details we needed to help look into for the church wedding. Don’t get me wrong, I am really excited for his wedding and I cannot wait for the event day to come to share his joy, it’s just that I have so much on my mind with the running around that I have to constantly remind myself to put those things aside and prioritize more important things (like his wedding) first.

6.           Moving In – Dec ‘13

And to end it all for the year, we’ll be moving in on Dec ’13 and from now till then, we’ll be busy packing with the limited amount of time we have everyday (having to care for the kids till they fall asleep at night). From now till then too, it won’t be just packing but also cleaning up the house, putting up the necessaries and getting the house ready for us to move in.

To sum it all up, it has been and will be a beyond crazy year. As crazy as it gets, it’s still happy stress…. Something psychologists term eustress.

THE REAL “MAN” OF STEEL

-This post is way overdue however it is of utmost importance it is published-

So Man of Steel premiered last week on 13 June (this was when this was written) and I got free tickets to watch it thanks to a wonderful colleague. But as I approached my wife early in the morning before I left for work, asking her if it’ll be ok if I watched the movie tonight and she had to take care of the two kids all be herself at night (and she willingly agreed), I was reminded at that moment who the real “man” of steel really was.

Couple of days back during the weekend when my wife fell ill and was totally knocked out and I had to handle the two kids by myself, I nearly went mad with a crying baby and a defiant child and boy did I complain in my head of how crazy it was.

So as I watch Man of Steel, I am really reminded that my wife has been the real “Man” of steel and I am at awe and full of appreciation for all the sacrifices that she’s made. Just to be clear, here’s 10 reason why she’s the real “Man” of Steel:

1.             Everyday for the past 6 months, she has been taking care of both our baby boy and girl.

2.             That means, handling their mischief’s, moods, daily necessities like feeding them, changing them and bathing them.

3.             Diligently she pumps milk everyday close to midnight (that’s when the boy sleeps longer and there’s a chance to pump) when very well, she could decide to sleep.

4.             When we’re out for our date, she takes the effort to carry out her pump and parts just so she can store up more milk.

5.             When our boy was born, she told me, “Don’t’ you dare buy any formula. I will breastfeed”. You will never understand what that statement really entails. The only way to envision the consequences of this statement is to imagine a boy hanging at your nipples 24 7 with only intermittent breaks before the boy cries for milk/nipple again. 

6.             She washes the bottles before I get back, takes over the laundry of the kids (cause she knows I get crazy over hanging and matching small botties and mittens) without a complain.

7.             She cooks whenever she can so we can enjoy her home cook food.

8.             At night, while I sleep, she carries the boy first whenever he is on his “cry as much” mood and only calls me up (or not) when he cries too long.

9.             I have not woken up to make milk for the boy (not once) because she breast feeds him throughout the night.

10.         She’s always one of the last person to bath as she first makes sure that the kids are all clean and fresh.

While I might be amazed at how Superman can fly, smack, laser and withstand bullets, I am even more amazed at how my wife can handle two kids all by herself. I have a very good feeling Superman will fail miserably.

CHRISTMAS - GIVING

So it’s very cliché that Christmas is the season of giving and yea we buy presents for friends and families but we have come to a point where we benefit only people of equal socio-economic status and barely do I hear these days about people (individuals) giving to the less fortunate. How much effort do we actually take to think about the less fortunate? So something my wife shared just a couple days ago really made me think.

A friend of ours (more closely related to her) will be celebrating their daughter’s birthday soon and we have been invited. The couple however has requested that we do not buy any presents for their daughter. Ok.. this sounds very familiar… “Should you wish to bless us, monetary mode preferred”. But the next thing she told me really struck me and the thought has been in my head ever since. They would on that day pass around a box and all money collected on that day would be donated to an orphanage! It struck me for these couple of reasons:

1.       In our plenty, are we really thankful for all we have and think about the masses out there that are less fortunate or do we continually covet for more? Apart from being just verbally thankful, do we express this by sharing?

2.       How often do we actually actively think of ways to bless the less fortunate? We often become passive contributors where somebody else’s thinks of a donation program and we just contribute. We can as easily be active contributors ourselves. Their plan was ingenious.

3.       We have come to a point in society where we the rich (and I am talking about people like you and me who have more than enough to get by the day) continually benefit each other (i.e. buying presents for each other). Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that it’s wrong to buy presents in appreciation of each other but it shouldn’t stop at just that. Honestly, we are the group of people that do not need to receive presents. We have enough. I have to reiterate this again – I am not proposing against giving presents to one another as a gesture of appreciation but we need to take the extra step to think of people, kids who are orphans who live in communal houses instead of the loving embrace of our parents.

4.       Do we really need all the gifts? Just last year, we celebrated Athalie’s birthday and I was really happy to receive all the gifts on Athalie’s behalf. Seriously happy that we receive so much and thankful for the generosity of our friends and families. But after hearing about what these couple were going to do… I began asking myself… “Did Athalie really need all the presents?” She already has lot of toys… Definitely more than what she can play with. Could we have taken similar steps and bless some other kids who needed them more? Let’s stop talking about 2^nd hand toys and start thinking about giving 1^st hand toys.

The only reason why these thought have struck me is this, I myself is as guilty as hell of being selfish and thinking of nothing more but myself. I am a super passive contributor who hibernates most of the time unless it’s out of a lot of convenience to contribute. Food bank at church… yea sure I USE to buy extras just because it was super convenient… you know… pick another can… easy ma. But looking back at how much God has blessed me, how oblivious I am people who are less fortunate, the little effort I have taken to bless others and how these couple who have just decided to donate everything they collect on their daughter’s birthday party really struck my heart.

So my resolve, easiest to execute is to copy. We can easily do the same and make that difference. Of course this is still a draft plan pending further discussion with wifey to see how best to maximise opportunities like this to not only bless others but at the same time to teach our daughter (and upcoming son) about sharing and putting a thought for the less fortunate and to help daddy be a more active contributor just like mummy.

CHRISTIANITY – THEN AND NOW

Just a couple days ago, my wife and I had a conversation on why things were so wrong then and seemingly ok now. Conversation came about things like drinking and dressing specifically and more so specific to the values my family and I practice. To her it was how come the inconsistencies? How can values change? My response to her was people through the changing environments are better exposed and people’s horizons are further opened. As time passes and we become more exposed to new developments, new perspective, we then modify (or a more canggih word “revolutionize”) our beliefs and more importantly, we learn.

For example, in a small town called Bukit Mertajam where I spend most of my life in, Chinese school’s were like a slave camp, concentration camps or an Apple Foxconn factory in China. We hear of students in those camps schools having to complete a crazy load of homework until midnight until they would break down and cry for the fear of the canning the next day if they haven’t finished it. For us… canning was like something fun… like when we ran around, did our mischief’s… the cane was like a badge of honor we all were proud of. The stamp of heroism.  To us, from the English Schools (more like the Malay schools), these kids had no life, no creativity, straight up nerds.

But when I met my wife (who did not carry any of those traits, I had a hard time believing that she was from a Chinese school), she presented me a whole different perspective. In KL, apparently it ain’t as bad and crazy. Yes they seem to have more homework but they didn’t have to stay up all night and cry doing their homeworks. They get punish pretty much like we did. It was and is very hard for me to believe because all my life, Chinese school = concentration camp. You send kids there and they come out to be the latest Japanese very-human-lookalike robots. The point is, it was hard to accept it (and still is), but slowly, my perception of a Chinese school changed due the new learnings that I gathered from a person who has been there and done it. Who better to testify than a person who’s been through it all?

The same situation has been true in my Christian life. I grew up from a Methodist church in Perak and then spent a good deal of my life in G.C., Bukit Mertajam in which we were indoctrinated with what Christian values means.

Of course we left when I was about 18 when the pastor pulled a Mahathir and threw shit at my family and even though my father has always been the forgiving one who made peace and shook his hand, my brothers and I are continuously reciting the Lord’s prayer:

Our Father who art in Heaven,

Hollowed you shall make his head,

Your lighting come,

Your  thunder to follow,

On this wretched creature we so hate.

Give us today the assurance,

That he shall be with Lucifer,

For his heresies and his bitter spirit.

Lead his congregation away from him,

And deliver them from this evil,

For the kingdom, the power and the glory are yours,

Now and forever.

Amen.

Ok… that was the other guy, Benny, in me writing.

Throughout my Christian walk from Perak to Bukit Mertajam and now K.L., I have definitely been exposed and enlighten further on what Christianity really means and the values that we should carry. The same has been for my family. Values that were carried then have been re-assessed and re-evaluated and the new learning/perspectives have brought about an evolution of values, perspective and ultimately a change in some values. I am not implying here that the previous values/beliefs were wrong but the new learning has brought about greater understanding and acceptance to me especially.

For example:

THEN	NOW
1. Huge emphasis on sin	1. Huge emphasis on grace
2. No alcohol. Drinking is frown upon and if you drink, may the alcohol wash your spirit to hell. Alcohol during wedding – pastor would stamp his frown on your event.	2. Drinking is ok. Drunkenness is not.
3. No jeans to church. You wouldn’t go see a king in jeans. I literally wore slacks and uncle shirt (note - not t-shirt) to church most of my younger days.	3. Jesus shook hands with the outcast. Just dress appropriately (i.e. no man g-string  in church). Jeans and t-shirt – ok
4. Spaghetti strap, skirt (not even mini skirts) big no-no. God hate nakedness.	4. Jesus was friends with prostitutes. Just dress appropriately (i.e. no bikini’s in church).
5. Homosexuals/“sinfully” looking people were given the “You sinner – Get outta here” look.	5. Embracing of people with different sexual orientation. Hate the sin, love the person.
6. Eating food offered to idols – eat and you become the devil’s slave	6. Resist where can but not until a point where it offends people of other religion. Respect.
7. No bowing down to idols during funerals/wedding – do and you end up in the casket like your unbelieving family member/the devil weds you and he shall have your first night	7. We have all sin and fallen short of the glory of God. Don’t judge other people’s sin. Understand that we have all fallen and God’s grace is enough for us.
8. Share the word – Commando style – Door to door/straight up during events	8. Share the word – Tinkerbell style – Get to know the person genuinely, cell groups and exemplify how God loves all of us.
9. Rock music, rap = songs worshipping the devil	9. Rock music, rap à please observe lyrics. Rock and rap are merely forms of music which can be used to worship God.
10. Dying hair (for boys), piercing, tattoo – Were you born of the devil?	10. Dying hair (for boys), piercing, tattoo – Anything wrong?
11. 10 Commandments – Follow or you shall rot in hell.	11. 10 Commandments – was there to show you what God’s standards are and that we would never be able to achieve His standards. That’s why we have Jesus.

*The above does not signify a right or wrong value. It solely represents how I have been further enlightened in my journey in Christianity personally. People may still hold differing views and that’s acceptable.

So those are some of the values that have evolved with the new environment we are in. With the new horizons that we become exposed to - that there is more than just focusing on sin… there’ grace. And that to me is the beauty of life, when we are exposed to new horizons, we are able to think and re-evaluate our beliefs and change our values accordingly. With education comes enlightenment. With new perspectives comes liberty. Liberty from being bound by a single perspective. And with liberty comes growth.

I am very close to being convinced to send our kids to a Chinese school…

MY BIGGEST FEAR

So I am afraid of lizards, frogs and height. I cannot stand the thought of touching a lizard/frog and if I ever did accidentally touch one, an unbearable squirmish feeling would engulf my entire body and I would fall numb and crumble as if the bones in my body just suddenly disappeared. It doesn’t help that when you try to kill a lizard with Ridsect spray…. IT DOESN’T WORK!!! I’ve tried spraying half a can of Ridsect at a lizard trapped in a hole and the pesky disgusting thing just looked back as if I was spraying air cond at him… enjoying the gush of cool air that is emitted from the spray. Giving up, I sprayed serai at it and it was my turn to grin for it struggle so hard to get out of the hole as if it was burning in hell.

Frogs… I have no idea how to get rid of it and I’m just glad that when I reach Form 5, they decided to do away with slicing open a frog for biology studies. I would have probably skipped the entire class. Imagine me having touch a frog what more to slice it open. What if I accidentally cut it’s main artery and it’s blood spurts into my mouth? What if it peed on my hand? Imagine the innerts of the frog spilling all over the lab table!!! Uuuurrggghhhhh!!! SCREW YOU FROG!!!

Heights… that’s pretty okay even though I can truly understand what it means for a men to jump into a pool of ice naked. The immediate instantaneous shrinking of your balls. Exactly what happens everytime I look over. But for height, I am able to man up, suck up and push myself to the limit. So not much a problem. Just hope that I don’t push myself over only to find missing parts in the future.

Anyways, in recent times, I have just come to the realization that my biggest fear is HAIR LOSS!!! I had my first encounter with hair loss when my wife was pregnant with our first daughter. Didn’t think much about it when I saw strands of my hair on our bed, on my hand everytime I swap my hair when I was bathing but when I looked into the mirror and saw my hair thinning away and I could see parts of my scalp shinning, I was devastated. My hair has truly been my crown. Ever since I was a kid, I always had thick wavy dark hair and was proud at the fact that every month, I MUST visit my barber to chop away my overgrown hair. Once my mum brought me to some aunty saloon and despite the aunty’s warning that she’s never cut a male’s hair before, I became her first. Like a virgin on his first time, tears stream down my eyes when I saw my hair being pulverized by her. Snip after snip, my crown turn from a glorious magnificent symbol of wealth, power and handsomeness to an uneven, scruffy symbol of poverty, emptiness and somewhere along the line of Gollum. I remember being so mad with my mum for destroying my magnificent kingdom to some Cina aunty. I was doing fine with my Indian barber!

Now that my wife is pregnant with our second, my hair has begun thinning once again. I am beginning to wonder is my hair loss is a direct correlation with my wife getting pregnant. On top of that, I have also been visiting my barber a lot less frequent. I only get my hair cut now like once every 2 months. Not very good news.

I know that some people can bald gracefully looking better when they bald. But looking at myself, I know I am not going to be in that same category. If people bald and look like Bruce Willis, I’ll probably bald and become a natural character for Gollum in Lord of The Rings, no make-up needed.

I really cannot bear the thought of losing hair. Thankfully though I live in the 20^th century where remedies for hair loss are readily available and no I am not talking about some half-baked hair treatment centre like Yunn Nam or 101 Hair Care… I am talking about genuine professional skin specialist like Ranjit Skin Specialist in Subang Jaya. Saw him the last time and his medication worked (just that I stop after I saw improvement) and now had to visit him yet again to resume his medication. Medication that works on the top and doesn’t compromise the bottom. Thank God.

To help you understand my fear better, this is what I fear most if I bald. So I pray dear God that if I should bald, solutions come as fast as my hair falls. Amen.

TESTING TIMES

<NOTE: THIS POST WAS WRITTEN ON 8 AUG 2012 BUT DUE TO THE INTERNATIONAL PREGNANCY EMBARGO OF 3 MONTHS, IT IS ONLY NOW THAT I AM PUBLISHING THIS>

I am now sitting, unable to focus on anything but the fact that we have received another ambiguous news.

My wife and I have been trying to have another baby and due to a fibroid, it’s not as easy. Even with our 1^st one, we took awhile conceive. This month (August), her period came late and lo and behold, she’s pregnant.

There has continuously been so many ambiguity and worries for the last 6 months and even up to now. Firstly, she was supposed to go for an operation tomorrow (9 Aug) but thankfully that didn’t happen that now she is pregnant. Next up, was the pregnancy test. After missing the exact date of her period, we tested. Nothing at first. Then we tested the next day again. Nothing. And then on the 3^rd day when she tested in the morning, there was a very very very faint line. We were left to wonder if she was really pregnant. She did 2 test the next day, one came out with a line and the other without, what could this mean? One of our biggest concern was an ectopic pregnancy and my wife was at a higher risk for this due to her medical condition.

 Visited the gynae to do a scan and of course she couldn’t see anything – too early. Not much of a confirmation there except that the gynae said just as long as there is a line, she’s pregnant. However, she suggested a blood test to confirm the pregnancy and to test for the HCG level. Again ectopic pregnancy was brought up as a risk.

Today, we got the results and even though the blood result showed positive for being pregnant, the HCG level was supposedly at a lower level (50 IU/L). Again a wave of worries and uncertainty flooded us.

We have been praying really hard for a baby and up until the pregnancy, we were all about ready for the operation. In the days pass her period, we were left ambiguous not knowing what is going on. Imagine you put a bet down for RM1m and the banker refuses to open the card way past the time he should have and you are not allowed to scold the banker. That was exactly how we felt. Helpless, not knowing what to think about it, and not daring to put our hopes too high just in case her period was to come the very next minute. Not here, not there, not anywhere. Even after doing the home pregnancy test, we continued to be very cautious with our hopes as the line that appeared was a very faint one. What were we to make of it? Hope started building as the days pass with no sign of her period and the line grew on the home pregnancy test grew slightly darker (but at times never appeared).

And now, just as our hope was building up that this really must be it, we received the ambiguous news. What am I to make of it? What does it mean? What are the chances like? Is there anything that I should be worried about? What if it ends up with a miscarriage or worst still and ectopic pregnancy?

As much as I have faith that God can do anything and that nothing is impossible for Him, my humanly mind cannot help but to try to make sense of all that is going on. I believe that God has got great plans for us, plans not to harm but to benefit us but I also know that there might come a time that I would find it hard to comprehend the plans He has for us. I know he has allowed for people to die, people to go through miscarriages no matter how hard they prayed and all sorts of sickness to befall upon his children. He has allowed for a pastor to wait 8 years before He gave them another child, strong Christians with miscarriages, a pastor’s wife with Parkinson etc. I know he is the master of my plans and He has the better view of what is best for us. But it’s really, really hard to submit to His plans especially if it ends bad (from our view). I do not think I can make it. Why would he give us hope only to crush it later? Why does he allows us to go through so much ambiguity and worries... He could have just given us an outright yes or no. I need hard confirmations oh my feeble mind. It’s really not funny…. Aaaaarrrgggghhhh….!

Entrusting God with our plans and submitting to His is really tough. While waiting for the gynae to come and scan, my heart was beating crazy and I was praying over and over again that at least the gynae would come out with some confirmation. So yea… she confirmed that she’s pregnant…. But...  Siiiggghhh… more waiting and more trusting until the next check-up next week. It feels like my brains are being torn apart… on one hand, “God I trust in your plans no matter what it is” and on the other, “You raise Lazarus right… you can work miracles… please work this one”.

I know the one thing I need to do is to place my plans, my trust and my faith all in God’s palm (as difficult it is). As much as I would like to rely on my understanding and logic, I would never fully be able to comprehend the magnitude and complexity of the plans He has for us. He created the heavens and earth and He created each one of us. Regardless of whatever that happens, I know that He has been good in both our life and He has continuously blessed us beyond what we could have ever expected.

“Oh Lord, you know our desires and our wants. You know our weaknesses. You know how much we want this to work. You know how difficult these times can be. You know. Help us Lord to trust in you and the plans you have for us regardless what it might be. We hold on to your word that you have great plans for us at the end of the day. Help us Lord to submit 100% to you no matter how hard it might be.”

“Errrr….. Lazarus….”

Through these testing times, I have been continuously comforted by the song below.

He Knows My Name

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call

TRUST, FAITH, LETTING GO…

And everything else that’s hard to do. Can’t share much now but the whole month of August has been one of the craziest month in my life. First the death of my Uncle, then another death of someone in Penang, and then the death of my wife’s best friends dad and above all, my wife and I have been going through some really, really trying times of the highest level of uncertainty and anxiousness. Someone just made a statement just the other week, “Why you seem so moody recently?”, and that is exactly how the toil of my anxiousness has taken on me.

There are days I feel my hearth crushing in, days where I feel so frustrated that I imagine a knife through my head (I AM NOT SUICIDAL. IT’S JUST AN EXPRESSION OF HOW FRUSTRATING THINGS CAN GET… sometimes) and days where I stare blankly after hearing news not knowing what else to do. The funny thing is this was something we prayed for but the uneasy ride was something that I was never prepared to endure. To me, it was like, “Oh great! God answered our prayers!!! Hallelujah!!! The end.” But lo and behold, it didn’t just end there, a greater sense of uncertainty enveloped my heart with the current “don’t know what to expect” stage.

I am a guy who lives on certainties in live. I plan and ensure strict execution for everything from both small things (time to make it to church on time) and big things (the birth of our baby, who do what, who take care, when, etc) and I try my very best to ensure that I have all my basses covered. I hate it when my plans don’t work out due to some “extraneous variables” and I hate it even more when I am put in a spot where I am helpless to do anything to improve the situation. It drives me crazy. And that’s exactly the situation where I am in. It doesn’t help that apart from this ordeal I have to go through, there’s a 3^rd variable (our baby) to make the whole equation a lot more exciting. So you see… while I am caught up in the ordeal to handle, I have to also handle the baby at the same time. I cannot emphasize how crazy my life is now.

To elaborate further, yesterday (Sunday) when my wife decided to still proceed to go to church despite some not very good news in the morning, I couldn’t help but to feel worked up. To me it was like taking a really unnecessary risk just to go to church. I felt very strongly that we should stay at home and rest but she insisted on going to church. At that point of time, there was no logic in the decision that was made. Considering the unknown number of risks (accident, walking too much, standing and sitting during the service, bumping into people, additional effort taken to get ready for both her and the baby, walking all the way down and up a 3 storey flight of stairs, plus her having to go back to work the next day… etc) it would be a really bad decision to make at a time like this. We could have all stayed in, there would be significantly a lot less movement and effort and risk. To me staying at home ensured better certainty – going to church increases uncertainty and I don’t like that (based on my personal assessment).

However, something struck me at church that Sunday. The first worship song on that day was “It Is Well With My Soul”. For those unfamiliar with the history of the song, the song was written by Horatio Spafford AFTER undergoing tragedies after tragedies in his life between 1970 – 1973. In the span of 3 years, he lost his only son to scarlet fever, lost all his investments he made in property due to a fire and lost his 3 daughters in a shipwreck. You can read about it more here. The amount of grief that he had to endure during those 3 years and the years thereafter would have been massive. How can anyone go through those periods and yet be sane? And yet, through his ordeals, he wrote “It is well with my soul, It is well with my soul”.

The verses of the song really struck me that morning. Isn’t my God the almighty God who has seen me through the years? Isn’t my God a God who has great plans for me… plans to prosper and not to harm me… plans to give me a hope for the future? Isn’t my God a God of miracles? Isn’t my God the God who created the universe? Isn’t my God big enough? Why then does my soul continue to lay in absolute anxiousness and disregard to the almighty God I believe in? Why then do I strive to make the future I think is best instead of leaving it in the hand of my almighty God? Why then does my action reflects a lack in trust in someone bigger and mightier?

It was a lot easier when God hadn’t answered our prayer. At that point of time is was praying for something so if nothing happens, status quo. But now that God has answered, if God does not continue to see us through, it’ll be an impact back to nothing. That would really sucks.

The journey is not easy. Letting go and letting God work his way in us right now is really tough. To just lay back and submit everything to God with the events that are following is like driving screws into yourself to screw yourself on the chair so you not move and to entrust everything to God to work out what is best for us. There’s not going to be two ways about it. Like a painter painting a masterpiece, I cannot simply pick up a brush, dab in into my favorite color and try completing the painting only to mess everything up. I have to completely surrender everything into the painter’s hand and to trust him in what he does. Tough like hell. But results are ensured heavenly.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

BEING CONTENTED

The line between greed and achieving your dreams is a very fine one. One would argue, that to be successful in your life, to live a comfortable life, to own a nice house, a nice car, to be able to go for holidays are merely achieving your dreams. But I believe that many of these so call “dreams” become greed while we continuously justify the fact that we are merely still chasing our “dreams”.

“Dreams” like the above sounds as genuine and as innocent as “just chasing my dreams”, but what we do not realize is that we always fail to define the “what”. What do we mean by a successful life? What does it mean to live a comfortable life? What kind of nice house/car? What holidays?

My parents who were both Maktab Perguruan lecturers didn’t earn much but I always considered them successful, we had a comfortable life, a house and a car to go about and local holidays where we enjoyed ourselves. Never did I feel that we were lacking of anything. By God’s grace and providence, they’ve manage to put all 3 of us through private college and me to a year overseas.

The reason I’m writing this post is because in the past years, I have come to the realization that being contented is something that I’m finding harder and harder to do. There seems to be more and more material things that I want. What I currently have doesn’t seem to be enough.

A brief background of where I am today. I am of course 28 years old young. In the span of 5 years, I have managed to climb the corporate ladder to be a Manager at the age of 27 at a local bank. I earn a comfortable salary.  I got married and bought a house together with my wife at 24 without any financial backing from our parents (it was our wedding and house and we didn’t think it would be fair to burden them further after all they have given to us). I am a father of a beautiful daughter when I was 26 and we sustain our lifestyle all by ourselves. No extra pocket money apart from what we earn.

It all seems like the perfect life to have. What more can I ask for? I should be contented with what I have. My dreams have definitely been achieved. But no, I have found myself to be yearning for more. Nicer car, a bigger house and more salary. As simple and as innocent as these new “dreams”/thoughts that I have, I have to remind myself over and over again about being contented. There’s no end to “dreams” and we can definitely see people around us who are super duper rich but yet there’s no sense of contentment. Their accumulated wealth could possibly sustain a couple more of generations but the quest for more never just ends. And that scares me. Deep deep down, I know, I have to learn to be contented, to stop comparing myself to people who are more successful that fills my heart with a sense jealousy and the raging question of “Why am I not him/her?”, “When would I be there?”, “How can I earn like him/her”.

What I AM NOT SAYING:

1.       That we should stop dreaming.

2.       That we should not hope for a better life.

3.       That we should live with what we have now and be happy – end of story.

4.       Stop working hard/earning your high salary/throw away all your luxuries

What I AM SAYING:

1.       Evaluate our dreams and draw a line between greed and being contented.

2.       Yearn for a better life but quantify what a better life would mean. A savings of RMxxx, a house worth RMxxx etc. Be realistic. There’s only 1 Bill Gates.

3.       Definitely learn to be happy with what you have today, work for more should you have perform item (1) and (2), but stop comparing your value with others, it’s your dream, not theirs. Don’t dream to be like that someone. You’ll never be happy when you’re him/her.

4.       Work hard, but understand your priorities. There’s nothing wrong with wealth but there’s more to life than wealth.

5.       Stop shifting the goal post – what many people do when they achieve their dreams is to dream of more. Theirs is no end to it.

People always say, it’s not accurate to compare how your parents brought up 3 kids (all the way to private colleges) and your current situation – you know inflation. You definitely need to earn more. But my response is this. Apart from inflation rate (which I agree forces us to earn more to sustain our basic necessities), there’s a deeper underlying to reason for earning more. My parents only bought a van after my 3^rd brother was born (plus my grandmother lived with us) (so before the van, 5 ppl travelled in a car), but today, with only 1 kid and no parents living with us, I am looking for a MPV. My parents lived in a single story house with 5 people in it. Today, I am looking for a 2-3 storey house (again with only 1 daughter and a wife) with a buildup of 2,500 sq ft. KFC/McD/Pizza Hut was a luxury then. Today it’s a norm. Please tell me now that I need to earn more because of inflation.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying we should live like how our parents lived. The reason I’m bringing up the comparison is to illustrate how a lot of us are already living a better life and a more comfortable life. We need to learn to be contented with what we have. The ambition/dream for more would never end if we continually move the goal post to achieve more and more. Life is never a one way highway to monetary rewards. Life is a multi level highway each leading to the many facets of happiness. Enjoy the journey on each of the levels and with the limited time we have, choose wisely which road you spent more time in.

Credits: This is one lesson I am very thankful to my parents for teaching me – Contentment. When my friends were in FILA and NIKE, I was in Cheetah and still happy about it. When my friends held the magnificent Nokia 3310 (then), I was happy not having one and happy to borrow from them to just to play snakes. When my friends had Play Station in their houses, it never bothered me that we never had one. When my friends were in fancy shirts at a dinner, I was in an old presentable shirt (because my parents confiscated the expensive nice shirt I bought behind their back and lied to them about the price), I was still contented at the end of the night. When my friends lived in fanciful big bungalow houses, it never bothered me to have them over at my terrace link house worth only a fraction of theirs. It didn’t bother me that I drove my parents Nissan Sunny around nor the fact that I never had luxuries in my child hood. Every piece o clothing was carefully decided upon, nothing was bought that was unnecessary.  These are some of the reminders that I need to continuously remind myself of, to stop myself from tipping over to greed and forgetting everything that is precious beside me.

SAYING GOODBYE TO U.K.

Death was always an easy process for me right until last Wednesday when my Uncle K. (U.K.) passed on. Before this, my grandmother and grandfather (from both side) pass on but I didn’t really feel much, probably I was still young. Another grand uncle passed on and that too didn’t move much emotion in me. But when U.K. passed away on Thursday, I was overwhelmed by a huge sense of sadness. Not only that, it then struck me at that point of time that one by one, as our family continue to age with no one having found the elixir of life yet, that one by one they would all pass on, one by one, they would all fall like bowling pins and one day of course, it will be my turn. The passing of U.K. is only the beginning. Death would come knocking very soon again and sadness would grip us over and over again. But death is not all there is nor should we just wait for death to knock on our doors, it put a lot of perspective back into my life, into appreciating the loved ones around and making time to connect and treasure each and every family member. Life is truly short.

What happened was on Wednesday, he was rushed to Sunway Hospital at about 4pm. He had undergone a surgery to remove his cancer infected areas about a month ago. On Wednesday morning, the Dr. was happy with his state of recovery. On Wednesday afternoon, the story was while in the toilet, he pushed too hard and ruptured his wound which then caused him to bloat in the stomach area. I receive a call from my aunty (A.T.) at 7pm asking for my mother (she’s been trying to call my mother but to no avail). I knew at that moment something serious must have happened for her to urgently look for my mum (My mum was helping her take care of U.K.). Told my mum and brothers to keep me updated.

On that night, we (my wife and I) proceed with our initial plan of dinner and movie at 9pm. At 8:55pm, right when we entered the cinema to sit down, I got a msg from my brother telling me to come to the hospital as U.K. was in ICU and they were expecting the worse. At that point of time, I couldn’t make up what worse meant. I mean sure the worse is death but how often really that death would really happen. People tell you expect the worse but somehow things always get better and to me, things always get better. A friend was warded in ICU a long time ago and he got better. People come in and out of ICU and I thought at that point of time that it can’t be that serious. I saw him after the operation and he was doing great. The feeling of “things will get better” of course was mix together with a sense of worry and a lost of words to describe a mixture of sadness and the unknown gravity of the condition.

When my wife and I arrived in the ICU, A.T (the wife) was there together with her son and I knew at once that things were really serious. I was told U.K.’s blood pressure dip really low and they nearly lost him. The anesthesian came by the waiting room to tell us that U.K. was in a very difficult condition. They have pumped all the drugs available at the maximum level just to bring his BP up and was now hovering at 60/50 now. He added that there’s a huge chance U.K. would not make it once they put him on anesthesia. My heart dropped. This really cannot be happening.

They proceeded with the operation and praying against all odds, U.K. made it out successfully. The verdict at the end of the day was the operation was successful, they’ve manage to seal back the rupture and seal everything back properly. However, the next 48 hours would be crucial for him to fight the bacterias that has invaded his body from the ruptured intestine. I pretty much took the “successful operation” part and paid no attention to the “next 48 hours would be critical”. After waiting a while more, we left the hospital thinking that the worst is over. Things always get better. Reached home past midnight and decided to go in late for work the next day.

I woke up to get ready for work the next day at about 7:45pm. Right after bathing and when I was about to get dressed, I got a sms from my mum at 8:00am – “Very difficult for U.K. to pull thru. BP 27/19”. I immediately went back to the bathroom to call my mum just to confirm. Walked out of the bathroom and all I could do was to show my wife the msg while tears stream down my eyes. I couldn’t bring myself to explain to my wife what was happening. I quickly got dressed and rushed to the hospital. Midway driving, I got another sms – “U.K. just passed away”. Needless to say, sadness gripped me and tears continually stream down. I couldn’t understand how just 12 hours ago, things were getter better and now this.  

Arrived at the hospital and there U.K. was, lying peacefully on the bed without a care in the world. A sense of peace filled the room amidst the sadness. Everybody knew, he went peacefully. Tears obviously fell from the family members that were there, knowing what a great kind person was lost today.

The next few days was pretty flat until the day of the funeral. Walking towards his casket and whispering under my breath “Goodbye U.K.” was really tough to do without trying to release a tear. It was really tough saying my last goodbye and I can imagine how much more difficult it must have been for A.T. and family.

U.K. was definitely loud at times, passionately talking about things he felt strongly about – politics especially. Phrases of him saying, “This is so ridiculous”, “How can they do things like that ha”, “Wah, you change jobs, means got more money” still rings in my head. Through the deep manly voice of his was a soft, kind and humble heart that we never really knew much about. He got an award from the Sultan for some charity that I know nothing about. He was never proud of his awards or wealth but always remain quiet about his achievements. Never did he coveted for more wealth and so willingly gave to my mother (his sister) the shares that belong to my grandparents (after they passed on) just so to help them with their finances of having to pay for our college fees. Toothpicks were a must after a meal and food was always his downfall just like any mighty Yong. U.K. and A.T. were the first people to introduce me to a Japanese buffet when I first came to KL to study which ended up with me vomiting it all out the moment I got home after I totally overloaded myself with Unagis (just like the kampong boy I was – this one good… eat everything). Some of the other good times were times when U.K. had a little too much to drink. He becomes even louder, talking about everything and anything in sometimes random order. But what I love about those times was to watch him in his true self – a person who truly enjoyed life, who never really worried about life and the simple humble man he was.

Thursday could have been a much sadder day should I have decided not to visit U.K. in hospital after his operation. I was a bit hesitant at first cause U.K. and never really had one-on-one time and almost all the time I was with U.K., my mother would be around. Told my wife, “I don’t really know what to talk to him”. Nevertheless, with my wife pushing me to go and visit, we went to Assunta only to find out later he did his operation in Sunway Medical this time around. Somehow or other, I became gung-ho to go to Sunway Medical anyways despite us being late for our cell group. He was just about to fall asleep when we entered the room but U.K. being U.K. woke himself up and chatted with us for the next 30 minutes or so in the dimness of his room (we decline to on back the lights as he was going to bed). It was a moment to be treasured there where we chatted about the operation, what went wrong in Assunta, his recuperation plan etc. That was my last conversation with my uncle.

The phrase that “Life is short, treasure every moment” never really meant much to me until Thursday. Life is really short, treasure your loved ones around and work is not everything. Put work aside, take some time off work and use that time to visit your family members who are in hospital, take the time to accompany your loved ones to the hospital should they so require, make it for dinner on time with your family… you never know when it’ll be the last time for you to see them or for them to see you. Life is truly truly short. Make every moment count.