TESTING TIMES

<NOTE: THIS POST WAS WRITTEN ON 8 AUG 2012 BUT DUE TO THE INTERNATIONAL PREGNANCY EMBARGO OF 3 MONTHS, IT IS ONLY NOW THAT I AM PUBLISHING THIS>

I am now sitting, unable to focus on anything but the fact that we have received another ambiguous news.

My wife and I have been trying to have another baby and due to a fibroid, it’s not as easy. Even with our 1^st one, we took awhile conceive. This month (August), her period came late and lo and behold, she’s pregnant.

There has continuously been so many ambiguity and worries for the last 6 months and even up to now. Firstly, she was supposed to go for an operation tomorrow (9 Aug) but thankfully that didn’t happen that now she is pregnant. Next up, was the pregnancy test. After missing the exact date of her period, we tested. Nothing at first. Then we tested the next day again. Nothing. And then on the 3^rd day when she tested in the morning, there was a very very very faint line. We were left to wonder if she was really pregnant. She did 2 test the next day, one came out with a line and the other without, what could this mean? One of our biggest concern was an ectopic pregnancy and my wife was at a higher risk for this due to her medical condition.

 Visited the gynae to do a scan and of course she couldn’t see anything – too early. Not much of a confirmation there except that the gynae said just as long as there is a line, she’s pregnant. However, she suggested a blood test to confirm the pregnancy and to test for the HCG level. Again ectopic pregnancy was brought up as a risk.

Today, we got the results and even though the blood result showed positive for being pregnant, the HCG level was supposedly at a lower level (50 IU/L). Again a wave of worries and uncertainty flooded us.

We have been praying really hard for a baby and up until the pregnancy, we were all about ready for the operation. In the days pass her period, we were left ambiguous not knowing what is going on. Imagine you put a bet down for RM1m and the banker refuses to open the card way past the time he should have and you are not allowed to scold the banker. That was exactly how we felt. Helpless, not knowing what to think about it, and not daring to put our hopes too high just in case her period was to come the very next minute. Not here, not there, not anywhere. Even after doing the home pregnancy test, we continued to be very cautious with our hopes as the line that appeared was a very faint one. What were we to make of it? Hope started building as the days pass with no sign of her period and the line grew on the home pregnancy test grew slightly darker (but at times never appeared).

And now, just as our hope was building up that this really must be it, we received the ambiguous news. What am I to make of it? What does it mean? What are the chances like? Is there anything that I should be worried about? What if it ends up with a miscarriage or worst still and ectopic pregnancy?

As much as I have faith that God can do anything and that nothing is impossible for Him, my humanly mind cannot help but to try to make sense of all that is going on. I believe that God has got great plans for us, plans not to harm but to benefit us but I also know that there might come a time that I would find it hard to comprehend the plans He has for us. I know he has allowed for people to die, people to go through miscarriages no matter how hard they prayed and all sorts of sickness to befall upon his children. He has allowed for a pastor to wait 8 years before He gave them another child, strong Christians with miscarriages, a pastor’s wife with Parkinson etc. I know he is the master of my plans and He has the better view of what is best for us. But it’s really, really hard to submit to His plans especially if it ends bad (from our view). I do not think I can make it. Why would he give us hope only to crush it later? Why does he allows us to go through so much ambiguity and worries... He could have just given us an outright yes or no. I need hard confirmations oh my feeble mind. It’s really not funny…. Aaaaarrrgggghhhh….!

Entrusting God with our plans and submitting to His is really tough. While waiting for the gynae to come and scan, my heart was beating crazy and I was praying over and over again that at least the gynae would come out with some confirmation. So yea… she confirmed that she’s pregnant…. But...  Siiiggghhh… more waiting and more trusting until the next check-up next week. It feels like my brains are being torn apart… on one hand, “God I trust in your plans no matter what it is” and on the other, “You raise Lazarus right… you can work miracles… please work this one”.

I know the one thing I need to do is to place my plans, my trust and my faith all in God’s palm (as difficult it is). As much as I would like to rely on my understanding and logic, I would never fully be able to comprehend the magnitude and complexity of the plans He has for us. He created the heavens and earth and He created each one of us. Regardless of whatever that happens, I know that He has been good in both our life and He has continuously blessed us beyond what we could have ever expected.

“Oh Lord, you know our desires and our wants. You know our weaknesses. You know how much we want this to work. You know how difficult these times can be. You know. Help us Lord to trust in you and the plans you have for us regardless what it might be. We hold on to your word that you have great plans for us at the end of the day. Help us Lord to submit 100% to you no matter how hard it might be.”

“Errrr….. Lazarus….”

Through these testing times, I have been continuously comforted by the song below.

He Knows My Name

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call