4 IV FOUR EMPAT

4, IV, Four, Empat years ago, I married a beautiful lady at the tender age of 24. Of course getting married young, people had a lot of things to say…

4, IV, Four, Empat Things People Thought About My Decision:

                     i.         Why so early? Can wait sum more ma…

                   ii.         Ha…? Shotgun? (Had to make sure Ju Li maintained her weight (and me on diet just in case they see wrongly) less to create more suspicion… and now.. 4 years down… when I tell people I got married at 24, I have to make sure I also tell them, “I also have a daughter born 2 YEARS LATER”)

                  iii.         Gatal… Tak boleh tahan ar?

                 iv.         Still got so many choices ma…

But that decision to marry my college sweetheart, my one and only true love (any previous gf’s less than 1 yr not counted) has been one decision that I have not regretted and I am so glad we decided to get married then. In any case, by then, we have already been friends for 2 years and dated for 4 years… Wanna wait for what sum more? So why did I married JL (my wife)…

4, IV, Four, Empat Reason I Married JL:

                  i.            She loves KIDS as much as I did

                ii.            She was my anchor, my stabilizer, my Xanax and my island of solace

               iii.            She wasn’t a workaholic who spent more time in office than home (women I fear the most)

              iv.            She loved me

Through the 4, IV, Four Empat years together, we’ve gone through ups and downs but the best part of the journey to me has been always learning from each other. We definitely come from 2 very different family backgrounds and of course those shape who we are today. My family was very routine focused while hers was more laid back and bonding focused. So while my family always had everything planned out in advance, her family sits back and is able to converse with each other for hours. So when she married me, I was all about getting home, settle dinner, wash the plates, bath, watch TV and sleep and she was left feeling emptiness in the relationship and wondering – What happen to conversation? Dinner was just about finishing up. Sitting down in the couch was just about watching TV. Lying down on the bed was just about sleeping. To me, that was life. But to her, that was definitely not life. And through the years, I have to learn to converse with her more, which was something that didn’t come easy but refreshing in the end.

4, IV, Four, Empat Things I’ve Learned From JL:

               i.      There’s more to consider than being super duper PRE-punctual – I use to get irritated (and sometimes still do) when we’re like sharp sharp on time for something. But through the years, as much as PRE-punctuality is still important, I have to consider other aspects (i.e. if we reach super early for a wedding, baby would have to endure through the delay and in the end, nobody’s going to be happy, our own fatigue and there’s no point in reaching there early and not being able to enjoy ).

             ii.      “Put the sponge down and come spend time with us!” – Making sure the plates are washed immediately is not as important as spending the time to first bond with both baby and mummy. My schema of eating – bring the plates to the sink – wash it had to be reconstructed. I’m really glad that JL has brought about much more perspective to what is important. “Plates can wait. We can wash them later. Spending time now before she sleeps is more important.”

            iii.      My values are not always right. This is something that I have learned and have to be constantly remind myself.

           iv.      Eat fish. Eat healthy. My staple food before I met her was Maggie mee & fatty pork.

4, IV, Four, Empat Things JL Has Learned from Me (I think):

            i.         Expand food choices – she now loves Si Ham & have learned how to suck Balitong.

          ii.         Increase risk appetite – she can go on manageable roller coaster rides, drive a new car fresh from the showroom, snorkel and canoe far off to the ocean.

         iii.         Swim – even though she told me that she has a “crooked backbone” which causes her to not to be able to float in water (which was a lie but I took it as a fact and I have successfully thought her how to swim – so for swimming lesson (even if you’ve got a physical problem that causes you to sink in water), contact Master Swimmer Chan).

        iv.         Cleanliness is not everything. Sometimes can close one eye. So sometimes when I wash the rice 4x instead of 5x, can close one eye a bit  :P

Looking back at our differences and how we have adapted together really puts a smile on my face. That’s to me is the true meaning of love and being together. Sure she’s kind, loving, understanding and all… but with these new found maturity in our relationship to learn to understand where we come from and change and adapt… to me… that’s beauty. It was definitely not easy, a journey infused with arguments (as we’re both quite hard headed – 1^st child syndrome), nights where I just ignored and slept while she’s left still fuming over our conflict, but in the end, the journey has been worthwhile. A true value of a great sword is one which has been immerse in fire and tested in battles. Don’t get me wrong that our married life is only filled with conflict. Our married life definitely has more enjoyable moments than conflict but relationships will be tested and year after year as we mature together, I treasure and love her even more. The experiences that we’ve been through, both good and bad becomes the very foundation that we build our relationship on.

To my beloved wife, I love you very much and love you even more as the years go by. Sorry for the times I’ve hurt you with my insensitivities. Thank you for being the anchor that I can rely on. I look forward to both calm seas and rough tsunamis that we would go through and in which through each experience, we come out stronger in the love we have for each other. I love you very much!

ATHALIE TURNS 2

Just the last weekend, we celebrated Athalie’s 2 years old birthday and my wife’s idea of having it at a Kiz Gym was really brilliant. We didn’t need to worry about planning activities, or even worry about an agenda. All settled by the staff there.

One year from her last birthday and there’s definitely been lots of changes. I wrote a year ago how our lives have changed from being a married couple to having a baby. Read here. So I would just expand the table here…

Item	Before Baby	Baby 0 – 1 yrs old	Baby at 2 yrs old
Getting ready to go out	45 mins	1 and ½ hrs	1 hr
Night Sleep	8 hrs uninterrupted	8 hrs very interrupted	1 time interrupted
Afternoon Nap (on weekends)	3 hrs	1 hr	2 – 3 hrs
Going Out Items	HP, wallet & car keys	HP, wallet, car keys, milk feed, bottle, 2 types of snacks, flask, change of clothes, diapers, diaper cream, yu-ee oil, changing mat, wet wipes, breast-feeding poncho, stroller, Baby Bjorn.	HP, wallet, car keys, diapers, diaper cream, wet wipes & milk feed (only if necessary)
Going Out Attire	Stylish	Backpacker (even to formal events.. thanks to the backpack with all her items in it)	Wife carries a stylish bigger handbag. No more backpack.
Eating Out Setting	Nice, quiet, slow	Express	Nice, moderately slow
Breast Visibility Outdoor	0%	80% (of cuz covered by the poncho)	0%
Couple Time	Everyday	Barely	Some
Visit to the Clinic	Once quarterly	Monthly (sometimes weekly)	Once quarterly
I call my wife…	Dear	Mummy	Mummy

So it seems that life seems to be settling down a little bit more, which is true, but as these issues seems to revert back, new issues (both good and bad) arises.

Of course she’s going through her “Rebellious 2” period now and yes she’s very hard headed up to a point when we spank her, she would try her best to control herself from crying and stubborn when she insist on having something she wants (like keeping the car window open… small opening also ok… janji open). But on the other hand, she is relatively obedient (most of the time), cheeky, and smiley even when she’s not feeling well.

But out of all the good and bad, the one thing that I love about her is her ability to talk. She chatters a lot and at this point of time, it’s really humorous and heart warming when she strikes up a conversation with you, even though she’s used the same lines over and over again. Her favorite conversation now seems to be papaya tree.

While driving out of the taman:

Athalie: Look Daddy. Papaya tree.

Daddy: Ahhh… Yes Athalie… Daddy sees the small little papaya tree.

Athalie: Touch papaya tree.

Daddy: Next time when we go walk-walk we touch k…

Or when I’m “cooking” with her:

Athalie: Daddy put the pot on the stove

Daddy puts the pot on the stove

Athalie: Athalie on the fire. Very hot. Cannot touch.

Daddy: Yea… stove is very hot now.

Athalie removes pot from stove

Athalie: Daddy try…

Daddy: Mmmmm.. Delicious…

As simple as these conversations might be, the genuiness of her wanting to strike a conversation and the excitement she exhibits really just warms and melts your heart.

Apart from that, the newly moments that I so cherished are times that she wants to sleep on my bed (which is actually her bed, but now she seems to be sleeping on my bed and I’m sleeping on her bed). From the moment she verbalize her want to when she turns her body to faced you with her bottle in her mouth just to look into your eyes – moments like these really give so much more meaning to life.

To Athalie, who is now 2, Daddy loves you and even though Daddy knows it’s going to be a challenging “Rebellious 2” with you, the Carl Rogers in Daddy (and definitely Mummy too) would always strive to provide unconditional love (even though Mummy and Daddy have decided to buy a rotan soon). We would treasure the journey together (both the good times and bad times) and learn from each other. You a little bit more obedience, and Daddy, a little bit more of patience and understanding of the development that you are going through. Daddy loves you.

CHRISTIANITY – THEN AND NOW

Just a couple days ago, my wife and I had a conversation on why things were so wrong then and seemingly ok now. Conversation came about things like drinking and dressing specifically and more so specific to the values my family and I practice. To her it was how come the inconsistencies? How can values change? My response to her was people through the changing environments are better exposed and people’s horizons are further opened. As time passes and we become more exposed to new developments, new perspective, we then modify (or a more canggih word “revolutionize”) our beliefs and more importantly, we learn.

For example, in a small town called Bukit Mertajam where I spend most of my life in, Chinese school’s were like a slave camp, concentration camps or an Apple Foxconn factory in China. We hear of students in those camps schools having to complete a crazy load of homework until midnight until they would break down and cry for the fear of the canning the next day if they haven’t finished it. For us… canning was like something fun… like when we ran around, did our mischief’s… the cane was like a badge of honor we all were proud of. The stamp of heroism.  To us, from the English Schools (more like the Malay schools), these kids had no life, no creativity, straight up nerds.

But when I met my wife (who did not carry any of those traits, I had a hard time believing that she was from a Chinese school), she presented me a whole different perspective. In KL, apparently it ain’t as bad and crazy. Yes they seem to have more homework but they didn’t have to stay up all night and cry doing their homeworks. They get punish pretty much like we did. It was and is very hard for me to believe because all my life, Chinese school = concentration camp. You send kids there and they come out to be the latest Japanese very-human-lookalike robots. The point is, it was hard to accept it (and still is), but slowly, my perception of a Chinese school changed due the new learnings that I gathered from a person who has been there and done it. Who better to testify than a person who’s been through it all?

The same situation has been true in my Christian life. I grew up from a Methodist church in Perak and then spent a good deal of my life in G.C., Bukit Mertajam in which we were indoctrinated with what Christian values means.

Of course we left when I was about 18 when the pastor pulled a Mahathir and threw shit at my family and even though my father has always been the forgiving one who made peace and shook his hand, my brothers and I are continuously reciting the Lord’s prayer:

Our Father who art in Heaven,

Hollowed you shall make his head,

Your lighting come,

Your  thunder to follow,

On this wretched creature we so hate.

Give us today the assurance,

That he shall be with Lucifer,

For his heresies and his bitter spirit.

Lead his congregation away from him,

And deliver them from this evil,

For the kingdom, the power and the glory are yours,

Now and forever.

Amen.

Ok… that was the other guy, Benny, in me writing.

Throughout my Christian walk from Perak to Bukit Mertajam and now K.L., I have definitely been exposed and enlighten further on what Christianity really means and the values that we should carry. The same has been for my family. Values that were carried then have been re-assessed and re-evaluated and the new learning/perspectives have brought about an evolution of values, perspective and ultimately a change in some values. I am not implying here that the previous values/beliefs were wrong but the new learning has brought about greater understanding and acceptance to me especially.

For example:

THEN	NOW
1. Huge emphasis on sin	1. Huge emphasis on grace
2. No alcohol. Drinking is frown upon and if you drink, may the alcohol wash your spirit to hell. Alcohol during wedding – pastor would stamp his frown on your event.	2. Drinking is ok. Drunkenness is not.
3. No jeans to church. You wouldn’t go see a king in jeans. I literally wore slacks and uncle shirt (note - not t-shirt) to church most of my younger days.	3. Jesus shook hands with the outcast. Just dress appropriately (i.e. no man g-string  in church). Jeans and t-shirt – ok
4. Spaghetti strap, skirt (not even mini skirts) big no-no. God hate nakedness.	4. Jesus was friends with prostitutes. Just dress appropriately (i.e. no bikini’s in church).
5. Homosexuals/“sinfully” looking people were given the “You sinner – Get outta here” look.	5. Embracing of people with different sexual orientation. Hate the sin, love the person.
6. Eating food offered to idols – eat and you become the devil’s slave	6. Resist where can but not until a point where it offends people of other religion. Respect.
7. No bowing down to idols during funerals/wedding – do and you end up in the casket like your unbelieving family member/the devil weds you and he shall have your first night	7. We have all sin and fallen short of the glory of God. Don’t judge other people’s sin. Understand that we have all fallen and God’s grace is enough for us.
8. Share the word – Commando style – Door to door/straight up during events	8. Share the word – Tinkerbell style – Get to know the person genuinely, cell groups and exemplify how God loves all of us.
9. Rock music, rap = songs worshipping the devil	9. Rock music, rap à please observe lyrics. Rock and rap are merely forms of music which can be used to worship God.
10. Dying hair (for boys), piercing, tattoo – Were you born of the devil?	10. Dying hair (for boys), piercing, tattoo – Anything wrong?
11. 10 Commandments – Follow or you shall rot in hell.	11. 10 Commandments – was there to show you what God’s standards are and that we would never be able to achieve His standards. That’s why we have Jesus.

*The above does not signify a right or wrong value. It solely represents how I have been further enlightened in my journey in Christianity personally. People may still hold differing views and that’s acceptable.

So those are some of the values that have evolved with the new environment we are in. With the new horizons that we become exposed to - that there is more than just focusing on sin… there’ grace. And that to me is the beauty of life, when we are exposed to new horizons, we are able to think and re-evaluate our beliefs and change our values accordingly. With education comes enlightenment. With new perspectives comes liberty. Liberty from being bound by a single perspective. And with liberty comes growth.

I am very close to being convinced to send our kids to a Chinese school…

MY BIGGEST FEAR… A RE-THINK

So… I wrote last month that my biggest fear was HAIR LOSS… you can read about it here… but after thinking about for a month… I believe that it ain’t my biggest fear… If I hadn’t had a kid… it would still be… but now… my biggest fear is my little girl catching a cold and/or cough.

To some people… there might not be much to be afraid of… “just take medicine and sleep la… easy…” that would work for an adult… but for a child… Ha! Happy trying!

When our baby A.C. catches a cold and/or cough, the next couple of nights would be a nightmare for us. Once she gets it in the morning/afternoon, the rest of the hours before bedtime would be like planning for a nuclear disaster…. Medicine, nose drops, air-cond temperature, clearing the IKEA chair, making sure we sleep early so we can wake up in the middle of the night, proper pillow for her… etc… etc…

“Dun kua-chiong la u…”

So… allow me to detail out why A.C. getting a cold and/or cough is my biggest fear.

When she first gets it in the morning/afternoon, she’s generally still very happy, smiley and a little bit more subdued but pretty much still bubbly even though mucus would be flowing out of her nose and depending whether she sneezes (or how hard she sneezes) or not, the distance of her mucus from her nose can range anywhere between her upper lips to her neck and leg. But she she’s still fine even though she freezes after sneezing while her mucus is left hanging waiting to drop while daddy and mummy scrambles to get a tissue.

When the night comes, that’s when all hell breaks loose (but we really can’t blame her). After taking her medication and putting in the nose drops (which she use to absolutely refuse and we use to have to hold her down… clasp her hands and legs and hold down her head and forcefully drip the nose drop... all in the name of “this would make you better”). Once we’ve gotten past that, dozing off for her would come relatively easy… with the medication and physical struggle and trauma. But the peace would last nothing more than 2 hours. Thereafter, she would wake up crying because the mucus would have blocked her entire nose and breathing becomes difficult. The only way she feels slightly better is by her sleeping on your shoulder (while you stand). As comforting as the picture might seem… a baby sleeping soundly on your shoulder… trust me, it’s one of the craziest things I am really afraid of. For 5 minutes, it’s nice. 10 minutes you still can bear. 20 minutes and you’re going slightly crazy thinking of how you can slowly put her down. And you do slowly put her down… gently… gently… holding her close to your chest while you bend and stretch your back holding a child weighing slightly less than 15 kg in midair and her head gently touches her pillow… at the moment you think you’ve made it… WWWWAAAAAAAA!!!!

And you carry her up again. This time… 5 minutes is slightly tiring. 10 minutes and your shoulder starts to ache. This time you decide to sit down on your IKEA chair… and now you might think… “Easy… peasy…” but wait…. If it’s like 10pm and you’re still pretty much awake… no problem. But note… crying continues through the night cause every now and then, her nose blocks up again… she wakes up crying.. this time… it’s 3 am and you’re already dead tired from waking up before this. Trying to stay awake balancing a 15 kg baby on your shoulder while you sitting down in that IKEA chair… tough. And when you do doze off with her still on your shoulder… you pray so hard that when you wake up… she ain’t on the floor or it’s not the sound of a head knocking against the floor that wake you up. Please don’t tell me… “cradle her like a baby like”… “let her lie on your stomach instead.. safer”… “put her on more pillows”… it doesn’t work. Her only comfort is by sleeping on our shoulder.

If there’s anyone that still thinks this is easy-peasy… please take a 10kg dumbbell… tie it around your shoulder and walk around your room for the next 30 minutes and tell me it’s easy-peasy after that.

Anyways, this new phenomena in my life (since the last 2 years) has become my new biggest fear. But of course as she grows… the craziness decreases as she learns how to breath with her mouth, sleep on her sides, loves the nose drops now that she wants to hold it to sleep and blow her nose. Life is such that the smallest things can scare the crap out of you… I wouldn’t be afraid if my parents caught a cold/cough.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Was about to write about something else but I just couldn’t keep my mind off what our very own Malaysian lady boys – PERKASA said during the last weekend.

News was Jaclyn Victor sang a Christian song in Malay 5 years ago and as PERKASA is like some 5 year backward retard we all know, they made an issue out of it today. Read more here.

First and foremost, I cannot understand how an organizations like PERKASA can get away scot free after their endless tirades of racist remarks. If there be an organization to be charged under the Sedition Act, it will definitely be PERKASA. We all right thinking Malaysians know this. I’m not too sure if my Prime Minister and his ministers fall under the category of “right thinking Malaysians”.

So, my message today is this. If you fight so hard for people to respect Islam, learn how to respect the other religion and races first.

NO. 1

 Singing of a Christian song in Bahasa Malaysia (BM) does not disrespect Islam because plain and simple, BM is a language and not religion. And although in some cases where some languages are very much related to religion (i.e. Jewish to the Jews and Jawi to Islam), BM does not fall under that category. And even in situations where the language is very much associated to a religion, nobody can stop nobody from using the language to preach their own religion. For example, if you PERKASA go to Israel to preach Islam, how would you reach out to the people there? Speak in Jawi? Sing in Jawi?

NO. 2

ALL religions seeks to preach their message to everyone (including Islam of course). I wouldn’t want to argue on why Islam can be preached to other people of other faiths but not vice versa. And I do not want to argue how people are born with a free mind – to think, to reason, to belief and the expectation that people would not convert out of Islam is just realistically impossible. Just like how anyone from Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism can convert away from their religion. And I am not proposing that other religion should be preached to Muslim cause that would be against the law. What I want to argue is this, how the heck can singing a song in BM exalting my Lord and King by saying “semua kaum, semua bangsa dlm negara ini mengharapkan engkau Yesus” be wrong. I am merely expressing my beliefs. Am I pointing a gun at your head to put your hope in Jesus? Am I cutting you bit by bit until you belief your hope is in Jesus? It’s merely a general statement on how we believe we should all put our hope in Jesus because WE believe that JESUS is the true MESSIAH. Would you not also wish that the world put their hope in Muhammad/Allah because you believe Him to be true? Would you not sing this too? Can a Buddhist in the inner hills of China be offended with you when you sing it in Mandarin? If your answer is YES, then you’ll be better off just banning the Bible cause it contains so many verses where Jesus tells the world to put their hope in him, that all should believe Him.

Case in point – Shall I be offended when Maher Zain called me blind? Or shall I also shout “Christians, who are Christian, are not blind!” just like when you shouted, “Malays, who are Muslims, do not put their hope in Jesus!”?

Oh it makes me wonder

How anyone can be blind

To all the signs so clear

Just open your eyes

And I know without a doubt

You will surely see the light

Song: Allahi Allah Kiya Karo, Maher Zain

Of course not, to me he is merely expressing his believe, from his point of view. To Maher Zain, I as a non-Muslim am blind and to me as a Christian, Maher Zain is blind. Get it PERKASA?

As much as I respect the right for you to express your believes, please respect mine too.

NO. 3

Now that you have “come up in arms” to boycott the song/singer, why don’t you pay a visit to the Indonesian Embassy and request for them to boycott Christian song sung in BM/Bahasa Indonesia as well. Satu kali sapu semua la… Jangan bazir masa lagi… Cepat-cepat… to help you out, here are some Christian songs…

CONCLUSION

If your mother haven’t taught you, let me teach you what my momma taught me - as much as you profess your religion, remember to respect the right of other people to profess theirs, including their practices and religious song. If you fail to do that, you fail in the very first thing your religion teaches you and you fail altogether in professing your religion. In times like this I am glad that PAS is the real defender of Islam. So please… R.E.S.P.E.C.T

Btw… Here’s the so “controversial” song some shallow dumbshit wants to boycott…

THEORY OF WATER DISPLACEMENT – APPLICATION IN FATHERHOOD

Archimedes while tub-bing realize that the water in the tub rose as he got in and with a tinkle of pixie dust and some Acracadebra, he realize that the water that was displace was equaled to his weight and hence the Theory of Water Displacement which states that “Any object, wholly or partially immersed in a fluid, is buoyed up by a force equal to the weight of the fluid displaced by the object.”

To me, this must have been one of the most useless discoveries ever. Why would someone who want to weigh himself/any objects, get in to the tub, watch the displacement of water, scoop up all the water and weigh the water to find out the weight of himself/the object. Why don’t you just put yourself/the object on a scale in the first place? *Scratch head* To make things worse, he supposedly coined the term “Eureka” while in the tub. So effectively, when someone shouts “Eureka” it literally means, “I have discovered something really useless”.

Ok… the theory is not entirely useless as water displacement is not just about weight but density as well… so pretty useful… I guess… :P

Anyways, what I wanted to share about today is the applicability in fatherhood. A new term coined today is the “Theory of Bed Displacement” which states that “the increase of the child’s age would equal the amount of ones body left hanging mid air”. The people that are most affected by this condition are Asians. Being the loving Asians that we are (which has been proven to increase self-esteem of the child when he grows up), our kids would generally sleep in our room or mostly in our bed until they are about 2 yrs plus plus plus plus plus plus plus plus. Naturally, the resulting consequence of this, as our sizes remain constant and the child’s size is on an uptrend linear graph, land area on the bed becomes a problem. And just like the land availability on earth is limited, some people gotta start living in space. And that’s the exact thing that’s happening to my life now.

As our baby continually crawls over at midnight to sleep on our bed (we’ve bought her a bed and placed it right beside ours but everyday at midnight, she crawls onto our bed), I end up being the party that is slowly being displaced and living on space (mid air).

To better demonstrate the theory, kindly refer to the illustrations below:

and yes... in case you were wondering... her bed is bright pink... sheets, pillow case, comforter and bolster... all pink. Dealing with masculinity in pink will be the next upcoming topic...