EXERCISE – MYTHS AND TRUTHS

Many people today are obsessed with exercising to ensure a healthy lifestyle. People sign up for fitness centres, ensure a certain form of exercise is carried out at certain period of time – i.e. evening walks, swimming on the weekends, cycling once every fortnightly, etc. Of course my parents and friends are somewhat also concern with the amount of exercise I do everyday/weekly, so questions like, “Have you been exercising?”, “When was the last time you went to a gym?”, “Ha..? You never join a gym ar?”, “Follow your brother to the gym la”and “Exercise helps lower your cholesterol and blood pressure”.

Just to digress a little, life can be rather confusing t times. During my schooling years, scoring high scores in everything was always rewarded. But now all of a sudden in my adult life, high scores are frowned upon… “Aiyoo.. you better watch your cholesterol scores / your blood pressure score”. What happened to “Good job for scoring such a high score in your cholesterol/blood pressure results!!!” or “Next time you can try to get a higher score”.

In any case, I personally believe that hitting the gyms and having a routine like evening walks n cycling etc are nothing more than a gimmick 1. By fitness centres to rake in more money, creating a less productive working environment by constantly distracting you with the thought of working out after work and 2. By the community itself to feed its lustful needs staring at the fat aunty in tights and the half naked sagging uncle running around the neighborhood. Besides, my hamster (which I once had) runs on the mill everyday and died a month later.

Anyways, what a lot of people don’t realize is I carry out an exercise routine similar to that of an Olympic. My entire day everyday  is a participation in various Olympic events. You don’t need to be less productive at work and be caught with lustful stress if you carry out the same routine I do everyday.

1. WARMING UP

First thing before carrying out any strenuous exercise is to warm up. I perform my warm up routine the moment my alarm ring by doing sit ups. I do about 2-3 sit ups depending on how sleepy I am on that particularly morning. 1^st sit up is my attempt to wake up, if I’m really sleepy, I’ll lie back down and sleep for another 5 minutes before performing my next sit up to attempt to get up again. It’s really advisable that you do not perform more than 5 sit ups per morning as this could lead to complications when you arrive at your office from your boss particularly.

2. DIVING

Next up is diving. Every morning, I sit on my white throne and try to perform a 10/10 dive with the least amount of water splashing up. On days I’ve had a lot to eat the night before, I generally score about  5/10 – 7/10. On days when I’ve drank apple cider with physillium husk (some high fibre stuff), I can achieve a 10/10. On days I’ve got food poisoning, it’s a 1/10 or I get disqualified for too much splatter.

3. SWIMMING

Naturally since I’m already in the water event section, my next event would be swimming. Mix stroke swimming to be exact. It’s the butterfly stroke at first with me crashing through the waters. Then it’s the breast stroke cupping as much soap available and placing the hands back at my chest and finally, the freestyle towards the end of the pool.

4. SHOOTING

With the largest bullet available, in the shape of a national car, I take aim and pray to God I hit my mark. Bang!!! And off the bullet swishes through the air, whizzing across my other opponents bullets most of the time stranded mid-air (to pay for toll) and to wait in line for the nearest possible turn to shoot off once again, I definitely ace this every morning. Hitting my mark every time. Only question is whether I hit my mark on time or not.

5. MARATHON, WRESTLING, FENCING, TAI CHI, FOOTBALL

Then all of a sudden, my day becomes crazy with me participating in multiple events one after another of simultaneously. A marathon through the day, wrestling at my opponents to achieve my goal/gold, fencing off unwanted off competitors, tai chi-ing unwanted chi/work that comes a long and kicking balls the entire day.

6. WEIGHT LIFTING

Coming to the close of the day, I return home to participate in the weight lifting event. Currently my record weight is about 10kg. But it doesn’t just stop at 10kg. As the days passes, the weight increases and increases to no end.

7. ICE SLED

My closing event of the day would definitely be my participation in the winter Olympics Ice Sledding. Unlike the original event that lasts only about a couple of minute, I perform this event for a solid 8 hours through the night. I lie down, close my eyes and pray I don’t fall off and off I go. Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right, face down, face up, face down, arms up, arms down, curl up, uncurl… 8 whole hours….

After this sharing, I’m more than confident that no one can be pestering me ever again to hit the gym or to exercise more. So much more calorie burning, strenuous and less sinful.